When Donnie meets Kimmie

(Scene: Singapore. Enter Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un, from opposite ends of a palatial room. They meet and embrace.)
Kim: Donald Trump! I so glad to meet you at last. Can I call you Don-boy?
Trump: Errr...no. You can call me Mr President. I’ll call you Mr Chairman.
Kim (disappointed): No? But my generals tell me you like that name.
Trump: I don’t like it any more than I like being called Don the Con, Donnie the Mouth, the Great Windbag, the Big Blowhard, the Nattering Narcissist, Trump the Chump, or any of the other thousand-and-one insulting nicknames my enemies are always smearing me with. They’re losers, every stinking one of them. My enemies, I mean. The nicknames, too. 
Kim: Okay, my generals wrong. Pretty soon we gonna be looking at some pretty dead generals. Never mind, let’s drink a toast to our friendship with soju.
Trump: What’s that?
Kim: Korean liquor. Give you only the best.
Trump: I don’t drink.
Kim (aghast): You ... don’t ... drink?
Trump: No. Drinking will destroy you.
Kim: Oho, you sound like one of those missionaries. We catch them, we put them in gulag at hard labour. If you no drink with me, that is big insult. Could set off thermonuclear war. San Francisco, Los Angeles, Chicago all go up in smoke because you no drink one lousy glass of soju with Li’l Jong. Our friendship must be cemented with many gallons of soju. If you refuse, this summit kaput.
Trump: I don’t drink. But I will toast you with a Diet Coke.
Kim: Diet Coke! Ha ha ha! You have crazy sense of humour, Don-boy. I like that. Okay, you toast me with Diet Coke, I toast you with soju. I propose we jumpstart our friendship with symbolic exchanges of territory. You give me Hawaii, I give you Jeju Island.
Trump: That sounds good. I’ll consult my advisers.
US Secretary of Defence James Mattis (formerly called “Mad Dog” Mattis, an epithet that has now strangely fallen into disuse; whispering into Trump’s ear): Sir, Jeju Island is in South Korea.
Trump: Ha ha, good joke, Mr Chairman. As even the most cretinous ignoramus knows, Juju Island is in South Korea.
Kim: Jeju, not Juju. When Korea is reunited under my benevolent rule, it will be part of all Korea.
Trump: If Korea is reunited under your benevolent rule, what’s going to happen to Moon Jae-in?
Kim: Maybe we give him small province to run.
Trump: So can we get down to business now and discuss the terms of your giving up nuclear weapons?
Kim: No. This just get-acquainted meeting. Business comes many meetings later, after much soju for me, many Diet Cokes for you.  Next meeting in Bangkok. I want to see Soi Cowboy.
Trump: Okay. Errrr ... what is Soi Cowboy?
Mattis (whispering into his ear): Sir, Soi Cowboy is a notorious red-light district in Bangkok, swarming with voluptuous young minxes, where you would constantly be exposed to the danger of sexual entrapment.
Trump (enthusiastically): Great! Next time, Bangkok – and Soi Cowboy! (They toast, in Diet Coke and soju. Curtain.)
S Tsow